This review was written by a Freeboota who broke into the office, stole our copy of Warhammer 40,000: Shootas Blood & Teef, and then posted us a letter written in crayon ‘wiv iz thorts’. For the sake of clarity, and because he said he would ‘krump u all’ if we didn’t. Here is his review, as Gork intended, unedited and uncut.
A revoo of Warhammer 40,0000: Shootas Blood & Teef by Wozdak Gamezcritik, age 36.
Dis revoo is dedikated to Commisar Yarrik – Da Orkiest humie wat waz eva Krumped.
Shootas, Blood & Teef iz da orkiest, humie krumpinest game around. From, Rogueside, da cleva humies wot made Gunz Gore and Cannoli, itz a too dee, dash n dakka shoota staring for ov da biggest, baddest boyz around.
Dere’s da Storm Boy oo can rokitdash in da air wiv iz jump pak, an haz a big tankhammer an klusterbomb. Da Flashgit oo az burnabombs an moar dakka dat letz im shoot wivout usin bullitz. Then dere’s da Weirdboy oo can stun gits wiv iz weirdboy staff an iz shokka bomz wat zaps boys wen it explodes. Finally, dere’s da Beastsnagga Boy oo az a pet squig wot goes boom, an a rokkit spear, dat also goes boom. Each of da boyz feelz distinct an there iz bound ta be won dat fits how u like ta krump. Dis elps da game ta be moar replay-ible az playin thru wiv each of da boys kontrolz an krumps very diffrently.
Afta ur bootiful hair squig is pinched by da treacherous warboss,Ogruk Gutrekka and e kicks u outa da landin craft on your way to kick da humies off Lootius Prime. (becuz da planet iz green, an we’re green ergo it belongz to da Orkz, write?)
U embark on a journee to get your precious squig back, kill dat sneaky thieving git Gutrekka, an kill anythin stoopid enuff to get in ur way, an becum the bestest boss since Ghazkull Thrakka.
U can also expand an cus-to-mize ur shootas buy vistin a helpful Mekboy wot will give u moar dakka if you hav enuf teef. Dere’s loadz ov fun an powaful shootas to bye too. From Lazguns n Bolters them sneekey Blood Axe Boyz have looted from dem stoopid humies to amazin shootas wot fire massiv lazors, shootas wiv tons of dakka, and plenty of rokkitz for wen u need everythin ta go boom.
U can also bye all kindz of luvli hatz from da Mekboy to kuztomize ur boy. My favourite iz da Komm- sar hat becuz i iz da boss.
Waaaahhh!!! iz a lot ov fun, an Shootas Blood & Teef, does a brill-i-ant job of konveying wot krumpin az an ork iz like. Da scraps are hectic, bloody an very funny. Watchin da humies get blown ta bits, while ur boy an getz covered in blood iz hill-a-ri-ous. Da silly ragdoll fizzikz make it look even sillier to.
derez plenty of gits to shoot too, from stoopid Goffs, (includin a free gig from the Rockers) Plenty of humie guardboyz an dere Baneblade tankz. In da sewers deres sum weidboyz (no, not dem ones) humies wiv 6 arms, an big claws (Far two many arms. Itz not write) and even won ov them weird stompas da humies hav. I fink day call em nites.
Wiv enuf dakka, you and da boyz (on line, or in da same room, maybe wiv some Fungus Beer), can crump all the gitz an dakka an dash ur way thru da game in an afta-noon. But itz stil loadza fun, and it iz really funny too, I woz laffin all da way thru as I krumped all da humies.. Wen u r dun Krumping gits u can also krump each ova in a defmatch two. Dis iz quite fun for a little wile, but I think da campain iz da bestest part.
Ova all, I fink Warhammer 40,000: Shootas Blood & Teef iz a brilliant dakka an dash game dat everie ork shud hav in dere collekshun. It shows a diff-rent side ov life in da 41st mill-en-i-um. An ork won, an iz a relaxing, cozy game about a typikal ork day on da WAAAAAH, dat iz an ak-u-rate depik-shun ov ork kulture, an ow ard it iz ta becum da boss.
U can get da game from dese freebootaz.
https://www.iningames.com/games/warhammer-40000-shootas-blood-teef/
https://gamesrocket.com/Warhammer-40-000-Shootas-Blood-and-Teef/