In a move less shocking than a jog around an insulated room in rubber shoes, Nintendo has proved the “nintend cycle” is an unfortunate reality, and begun their push for weird, gimmicky peripherals made out of cardboard rather than wasting any money on a new F-Zero game or that Metroid title that’s gonna be a pile of shit without Retro.
Called “Labo”, no doubt in an attempt to increase sales in short-sighted grandparents who mistake it for Lego, this abomination forged by man, yet denied by God consists of a couple of plates of (admittedly very cardboard-looking) cardboard, a few rubber bands, and a turny things, cogs I guess, that 4 year olds will be exhorted to somehow enjoy making, even though their father will be doing 100% of the work, slapping away their stupid infant hand every time they try to help because “I’ve got a goddamn degree in Engineering, you overgrown cockspurt, and you don’t know ANYTHING yet”. For the most special kind of retard, instructions will be provided, no doubt with Nintendo’s trademark irritating condescension, talking down to the people who shelled out money for this trash as though they’d just woken up from a coma induced by too much safety dance.
The preview video, not shown here because every time I tried to upload it my skeleton attempted to forcefully cringe out of my body, shows some REALLY optimistically young people assembling their new expensive cardboard shit into a variety of mechanisms, from a little baby piano, which ironically cost more than a REAL keyboard, a fishing rod, which less-ironically cost more than a REAL fishing rod, and a robot backpack thing with a couple of strings hanging off it, which unironically cost less than a REAL bullet to the cortex. The video also features some absurdly thick felt-tip pens, used to colour in the cardboard pieces, which is a very subtle code to Nintendo’s adult demographic that loosely translates to: “Suck it”.
At a cost of around 80 dollars apiece, we’re sure that the games given in the suite won’t just be poorly-made minigames, ejaculated hastily from Miyamoto’s gamesac, and will be easily the equivalent of such magnificent switch games as that 10-year old port, the thing with the snake that’s five quid on steam or the one with the two cowboys in shorts shooting at each other.
However, it’s not all doom and gloom. Cardboard lasts at least a few days, a few hours in the hands of a young child or vaguely inclement weather, and the average intended user could chew on it for at least five minutes before rendering it useless. And at 80 dollars, it’s only a LITTLE BIT more expensive than a full price build a robot kit, and only about 4 times the price of a raspberry pi, which can be used to teach your child basic programming, word processing and coding, without having to pretend that “creativity” is synonymous with “following direct and specific instructions from the mouth of a colourful badger”. When the cardboard wears out, we’re sure Nintendo will be selling replacements at a very reasonable price for a few slices of a cardboard and a rubber band. After all, they have to do SOMETHING with all those unsold Wii-U boxes.
The greatest thing about this bollock-braisingly bad idea is that come april, all of us that work in or frequent game stores will be given constant amusement by the stream of smelly, fedora-clad obese men in too-small Gayrudo Link t-shirts pretending they’re buying these for the children they were never allowed to spawn with the women that never gave them the time of day.
EDIT, but not REALLY, because I haven’t even posted yet: Word on the interstreet is that Nintendo will also be selling stickers for this shitshow, probably price around the cost of a decent game on Steam. Current guesses include: “Mario pressing his bare buttcheeks against the window of a Presbyterian church”, “four days into Rehab Yoshi”, in which he is depicted shakily pressing a broken bottle into the neck of Rosalina after a minor disagreement, and “Bowser’s inside Autopsy”.