WASDuk Review: 7 Witches

7 Witches came to our attention after getting positive feedback from the Creepypasta crowd. And what’s the risk with this weird, little bunch that pride themselves on being so depressed that each thinks she or he may be a demon? Discovering another Slender Man hoax that has gone too far, developing utter devotion to that James guy who made Sinister, or liking a film for two scenes that others may consider controversial?

With being controversial in mind, then one may want to sit through 7 Witches. But you must have the right frame of mind going in. First, this is the kind of independent film making that seems as though a group of friends met up in Alaska for a weekend and shot everything on an iPhone. Nobody in this thing can act, there’s zero scares, and a decent idea is wasted on an inane script- if there was actually a script. We don’t know and it doesn’t seem like it. If you do watch it, then know you are supporting poor, independent artists and there is no other enjoyment to be had with this.

On the other hand, when Kate shows up for her younger sister’s wedding, viewers can see what the Creepypasta crowd thrives on. Kate’s little sister is now a lesbian, wearing all black, and marrying into the Sklar family. It turns out the Sklar family was at the center of the Salem Witch trials, survived, has had their land stolen from them by the US government, and mostly just enjoys sitting around and staring quietly at the “normies” who won’t cover their ankles. In turn, these normies who have shown up for the wedding get drunk a lot and nonsensically babble about their feelings while the Sklar family, who maybe are supposed to be intimidating but are just laughable, sit quietly, stare, and dress like a lost group of Mennonites who listened to the Bauhaus once.

Suddenly, the normies are getting stabbed and tossed into the woods. Kate’s fiance wonders out into the woods and has a threesome with the lesbian witch couple, and Kate later stumbles upon the Sklar family branding her little sister. These goth-Mennonites know how to party! It’s all too bad that the threesome is boring and there’s no hint of a decent titty shot anywhere to be found. Has Creepypasta learned nothing from every Friday the 13th film? Give people a reason to watch. If there’s nothing to sell the viewing of a film, not even comedy, then show some tits and ass in between kills! Why do you think foreign countries still love Showgirls? Tits!

But I digress. What is truly hilarious about 7 Witches is the unintentional comedic acting. This cast and crew don’t know any better. When Kate sees her little sister getting branded, her aunt shows up and scolds her for watching. When the aunt realizes what’s happening, she says with a straight face that being branded by a family at midnight is no worse than getting a tattoo or body piecring. When Kate’s little sister gets over sensitive about having a lesbian witch wedding (this would be a better title) she screams that being a witch is a religious practice and Christians get married every day without criticism. If someone in the film were to be criticizing her, then this may make sense. But these inane situations and dialogue will get chuckles and eye rolls at the least, or a hardy face palm before laughing through a loud “What-the-Fuck?!” if you’re drunk.

In the end, the goth Mennonites, errr- Witches win. They slaughter everyone after sedating the normies with laced oysters. Is that why the Creepypasta crowd likes this? Most likely the answer is yes. After all, having a line about Christianity being equal to witchcraft, a threesome where everyone is embarrassed of their bodies, and a branding that is argued to be as normal as Katy Perry getting her hair bleached seems to be exactly what the Creepypasta crowd thrives on. They like to sit quietly and pretend that everybody hates them for liking horror movies and Tim Burton. And that’s okay. But be a little creative about it. Wearing all black doesn’t mean you have to be a boring, mute waste of time. But, then again, that’s really all that 7 Witches and Creepypasta really are.

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