The 5 Best Things for You to Stream Right Now (05/01/2017)

Its time for you, the viewer, to stream. You know this as well, but you don’t know exactly what to stream. Well, it’s the 1st of May so let us help you out. All you need is a mouse to click the links under the pictures below and the patience to discover either wonderful new cinema or something old that deserves to be new again. Let’s begin!

Number 5: Swamp Thing (1982)

Schlock alert! But this is great schlock like Bride of Chucky!

With Injustice 2 set to launch in a few weeks, most new DC fans, and even some self-acclaimed veterans, have surprisingly never seen one of DC’s finest live-action films based on one of Injustice 2’s core members. In 1982, Wes Craven himself brought Swamp Thing to life and created a low-budget but very faithful adaptation of his origin. Louis Jourdan plays Arcane before his desired, monstrous transformation into what the comics would later call the Black. Swamp Thing eventually became the avatar of the Green. But before all this avatar nonsense, Swamp Thing was one of the darkest, most enjoyable comics on Earth. And this film may be the final and only respectable schlock remnant of a squandered opportunity by DC. Swamp Thing 2 was anticipated for its time, based on how gloriously Craven developed the initial entry, but the sequel unfortunately turned out to be horrible without Wes Craven’s horror prowess. Even Heather Locklear couldn’t save it.

Regardless, if new fans are content with the shitty effects of everything CW, then there’s no reason to knock the poor effects of this sleeper cult classic. Unlike the CW’s pantheon of shows based on messing up a timeline, Swamp Thing has a tragic, exciting, and dark take on man’s victorious accidents within and intentional blunders outside science. Since this one great Swamp Thing cinematic entry, DC has launched a set of animated takes and a live-action show on the USA Network. None of it worked though. And nobody talks about this overlooked DC schlock-gem anymore. This one’s for the real fans. If nothing else, its better than Suicide Squad and BvS combined.


Click here to stream the film:

Number 4: Planet Hulk (2010)

Everyone seems beyond stoked about the new preview for Marvel/Disney’s upcoming Thor: Ragnarök. However, we don’t get it. The first two Thor films were rushed, wastes that only served as the weakest of introductions to the Avengers team. Why is everyone excited about this third entry then?

Most likely, it’s because of the return of the Hulk. On the other hand, it seems like Marvel/Disney is erasing the Ragnarök story and really making this final entry into Planet Hulk starring Thor. Which brings us back to the future with 2010’s surprisingly fantastic Planet Hulk. This animated feature is one of Marvel’s few watchable animated cinematic achievements, and it’s lean 82 minute run time spans why the Hulk was banished from Earth as well as what he has to do when the new planet he arrives on is worse than his home world. The film kicks off with Tony Stark, Dr. Strange, and more apologizing but telling Banner via video why he must go. It’s the kind of short-sighted, dick move by Stark and crew that just may cause a world war when Hulk returns.


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Number 3: One-Punch-Man

Rather than endlessly complaining about why all things DLC suck or that modern video game players seem content to buy their way to advantage at game launches, why not just embrace it and make fun of it?

One-Punch Man replaces America as the bastion for all superheroes with Japan and then manufactures cheap, hilarious copies of every hero and villain ever. The fun in this is it’s pure exaggeration. One hero based on the famous Kamen Rider rides his bike. The main protagonist, One-Punch Man, did so much strength training and nothing else that he can literally destroy anything with one punch. And he’s bored as fuck. A prime metaphor for gamers who, for example, choose their starter Pokemon and then grind until said Pokemon is level 20 before moving out of the first patch of tall grass. You know who you are. It could also be the Diablo 3 players who purchased full sets of armor prior to ever playing, thereby making every creature and boss in the game seem like a level 1 noob. You also know who you are.

But when disciples start following One-Punch Man and heroes begin their quest of moving up the hero ranking boards by either helping the common man with remedial tasks or by defeating alien invaders, the celebrated manga adaptation adds layer on layer of everything everyone has enjoyed at one point as a child. There’s cyborgs, psychics, underworld invaders, intergalactic threats, and the kind of human interaction Michael Bay could only dream about. If you don’t believe in Anime, start here for the fun.


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Number 2: American Gods

If it’s not Bliquiss consuming worshipers with her vagina, then it’s the main inmate, Shadow Moon, falling asleep and standing before a buffalo with flaming eyes. If neither of those gets your “WTF!?” engine started, just wait for the tall Leprechaun or the new god of the internet to tell you not to spam with prayer. Neil Gaiman’s phenomenal novel adaptation is finally here in its long-awaited live-action debut. And, if episode 1 is any indicator, we’re all in for an otherworldly romp.

Although we’ll be the first to admit that American Gods initially seems like an acid trip gone bizarre, the superior acting, special effects, and commentary on modern religions battling for the attention of unsuspecting followers couldn’t be more timely. It also clearly asks which deity you would align with. And before you scream out Jesus or Allah or God, remember that the internet you’re using has become a deity and religion in itself. As has being a liberal.


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Number 1: The Handmaid’s Tale

The Handmaid’s Tale has released three episodes that show what happens to America when the conservative religious majority take over, enforce their selected beliefs on edited Old and New Testament scripture, and, like Trump supporters and the Alt-Right movement, demand that things return to how they were. The only problem is that none of these supporters actually want things they way they were. They simply want to be unquestioned and to increase their numbers by any means possible.

The consuming horror of The Handmaid’s Tale is how timely the story is right now. You may or may not be able to trust anyone in your close proximity because they may throw you under the bus to move up. Common civilians know the government is dividing them but they won’t do anything about it. Common protests are met with police and private military brutality. If you think this isn’t America now, then it’s a god damned sobering sign of what could be. Three episodes of this is better than seven seasons of Game of Thrones.


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