With the news that Traveller’s Tales have another brick-based bonanza in the pipeline (namely LEGO Jurassic World), we’ve been thinking. There are tons of great movies and movie franchises out there that deserve the kind of homage that can only come from being completely remade in everyone’s favourite Danish fun-block. For a start, there’s Back to the Fut-
You know what? Fuck it. Every county court judge we’ve ever stood before says that we’re horrible people, and we have no evidence to the contrary. We’re not going to sit here and write about nice things. We can’t even IMAGINE nice things any more. This is a list of the ten most inappropriate films to receive the LEGO treatment. Pray that the people over at TT don’t all go horribly insane, or this is the kind of shit we’ve all got to look forward to.
Spoilers may occur, but it really is your fault if you haven’t seen any of these movies by now, because they’re
all mostly awesome.
Trainspotting follows the misadventures of a group of Glaswegian youth. They’re young, they’re keen and they’re almost completely drug-addled. The LEGO treatment would actually be great for this movie. It could be an open-world jobbie, and do what no other media has ever done before – make Glasgow look good. LEGO Trainspotting would follow Ewan MacGregor’s greatest (non-bearded) performance as scum-fuck-with-a-heart-of-gold Mark Renton as he gads about the city in a heroine-blasted funk. Highlights of the game would no doubt involve a boss battle with LEGO Begbie, enraged at picking up a ‘girl’ with one brick too many and a mini-game where you have to bash buttons to writhe on a bed while a clumsy stop-motion LEGO infant crawls across the ceiling at you.
Now, this is a franchise that (much like the movies) they could milk forever. The premise is simple enough. Some deranged maniac has the flimsiest excuse to fatally fuck with people ever, and goes about capturing random idiots. He then forces them into horrifying (or absurdly hilarious, depending on your viewpoint) life and death games which might teach them a lesson about life or might just as easily rip off their head.
The LEGO interpretations could go all out on this. The jigsaw killer’s death-traps could be as farcical as possible while still maintaining the gory non-tension that makes movie-going proles watch from between their fingers. Entire levels could involve not-so-subtle mini-games wherein the player has to cut off their own hands and fling them at oversized switches to gain entry to the next room. Failing to escape the room on time could result in a ker-azy LEGO death-trap. A candle burning through a rope, which lets a bowling ball drop onto a pressure sensor, which in turn activates a lever that lets a huge anvil fall on the player, scattering their pieces and losing a life in the process. There would be a moral in there somewhere, but nobody would care.
Called the ultimate 90’s movie by people who were too stoned and bitter to pay any actual attention to the 1990’s, Biodome featured Pauly Shore and…one of the Baldwins taking part in a loose-as-fuck storyline that sees them locked in the titular Biodome, a fully enclosed environment, with a bunch of nerdy scientists who just want to buckle down and do their jobs while two Bermuda-shorted clowns mumble cringe-worthy out-dated surfer speak at them and rub their groins all over sensitive lab equipment. As a movie, it was one of the worst. As a LEGO game it could actually be quite good. Mainly because LEGO Pauly Shore would, quite thankfully, be mute. The environments would be lush and engaging, while the drearily crowbarred-in environmental message could remain the same. The first half of the game could be spent fucking up the artificial paradise by throwing rubbish all over it pissing in the drinking water. The second half could then be spent controlling the chimp-like wasters as they set about picking everything up and making everything nice again despite having no formal training in biological systems.
Traveller’s Tales could save a lot of money on the ending, as nobody would want to play the game through to completion, much in the same way they didn’t want some cow-eyed faux Californian prick showing them how to recycle.
LEGO Old Boy
TT are very good at condensing well-known sagas into compact, light-hearted LEGO romps, so we think that they’re almost ready to take this one on. Old Boy tells the tale of Korean unfortunate Oh Dae Su, leaving us (in a very roundabout fashion) with one moral lesson: be careful who you slag off, because they just might be rich and mental enough to hypnotise you into fucking your own daughter. The LEGO version would have to be toned down a little, sure. Instead of entering into a carnal relationship with his offspring, he could maybe get a custard pie flung at his face and stumble around shaking his fist in the air. Instead of cutting out his own tongue in penance and going on to live a life of shame and misery he could…slip on a banana peel and land on his backside. I’m sure the basic story would remain intact.
LEGO Battlefield: Earth
We all need to face the truth. LEGO isn’t just for kids anymore. Nowadays, it’s also for mildly autistic, embarrassing outcasts. And there’s nothing more embarrassing, outcast or autistic than this Scientology-based turd. So really, there should be nothing standing in the way of a LEGO version of everyone’s favourite desperate scam-religion-advertisement-cum-terrible-movie: Battlefield: Earth. The kids will love the sci-fi fantasy, and the unhinged adults will love being drained of money in the false hope of being turned into a super-powered space missionary, or whatever Scientology is promising these days. Not only could the games not have to focus on anything as heavy as characterisation, plot, setting or quality, but it could lead to a whole new range of physical LEGO sets. Who wouldn’t rush to buy a Lord Xenu action set, complete with a volcano full of frozen alien corpses?
LEGO Human Centipede
This one really is a no-brainer, and I’m surprised they haven’t made it yet. I mean, think about it. It’s a film that doesn’t count on dialogue, because most of the characters have their lips sewn to someone else’s anus. Okay, so the controls might be a little hard to grasp, spending most of the game either strapped to a gurney or shuffling around the house in some demented surgical conga-line, but it’d all be worth it for that scene where the doctor explains the procedure with a comical slideshow before slowly and methodically reassembling their bricks in ways that would disgust any sane LEGO scientist. It could even work for the sequels, showing how a mentally-disturbed LEGO man dreams of piecing together his own 12 member centipede, provoked by the original doctor’s work. In fact, with the third film coming out in 2015, we’re calling this as TT’s next project.
LEGO The Room
If you haven’t had the ‘pleasure’ of watching The Room by now, we can heartily recommend it. As long as you deep-down hate yourself with a burning, unquenchable passion. It’s hard to say what the movie is actually about, and it might actually be a social experiment into the effects of giving a freaky-looking talentless chud the budget to make a movie. It focuses on main character, director, writer and protagonist Tommy Wiseau in the same way that a snuff movie focuses on the blond cheerleader. However, a LEGO version of the movie would be fantastic, and it’d solve quite a few of the problems the movie has. Wiseau’s acting would be ten times more dynamic if he was replaced with a LEGO CG mannequin, and it’d (somehow) make even THAT sex scene less awkward. In fact, try it right now. Watch this, and tell us it wouldn’t be 100% better if the actors were replaced with LEGO figs.
See? It’s not just us.
LEGO Jacob’s Ladder
Now this one would surely sell well. Gamers love a good war setting, if current gaming trends are anything to go by, and there’s none more gruesome and off-putting than the Vietnam war, right? Each level would surely take place in one of the many fractured hallucinations that ooze through the broken mind of disturbed war veteran Jacob Singer. In fact, the action could centre around a whole group of shattered-minded invalid warhorses as they mutter, stumble and stutter their way across a grim pastiche of New York City, eager to find out the reason for their unravelling mental states.
Collectibles would be an important part of the gameplay, the player guiding Jacob through each madness-induced psychotic episode, feverishly collecting doses of “The Ladder”, the titular drugs that stimulate the aggression centres of the brain, driving the sufferer deep into a primal and violent collapse. Grabbing up all the doses would lead to uncovering the true ending, where LEGO Jacob lies dead on a stretcher in Vietnam, with every adventure beforehand being nothing but one last hallucination in the mind of a dying soldier. It’s the ending every Call of Duty player is waiting for!
LEGO The Boys
LEGO games and superheroes are having a great ride at the moment. They’ve got both Marvel and DC pretty much covered, so all that remains is to sit back and wait for TT to get on a LEGO version of Garth Ennis’ ultra-violent nasty-as-hell take on the superhero saga. We’d pay damn good money to play as LEGO renditions of ‘The Seven’ tearing a plane to pieces and utterly decimating the human inhabitants because they don’t know how to handle their great power and certainly can’t understand great responsibility. Almost as much money as we’d pay to play as Billy Butcher or The Frenchman, putting the boot in and giving a bunch of LEGO upstart ‘superheroes’ a bloody good chinning.
LEGO Requiem for a Dream
I’d have my own arm amputated in a grotty Floridian prison to see this one greenlit. Darren Aronofsky’s tragic tale of ambition, addiction and destruction could well be the perfect fit for the next big Traveller’s Tales LEGO franchise. It could focus around a dynamic cast of central characters as they fall into a desperate tailspin of degredation and denial, losing all control over their situations until they’ve lost everything, so we’d definitely get some top-notch storytelling out of it.
The game could even toy with the players a little bit, urging them to seek out more and more studs in the promise of a better life, in places that are increasingly difficult, then completely impossible to reach without sinking to the very depths of depravity. All before taking every last one of them away in a stunningly-graphic (yet somehow riotously slapstick) ending scene at a dingy sex-show.
What’s wrong with us? Are we dense? Are we retarded or something? Tell us below in the comments!
WASDuk writer Arkworthy, once spent his entire life savings on LEGO, in the erroneous belief that a bunker made out of the whimsical toy could withstand nuclear radiation. Finding himself lacking both the architectural knowledge and the necessary motor skills required to create such a structure, he attempted to recoup his losses by inserting as much as possible into himself and suing the company for the ‘outrageous medical costs’ incurred. Litigation was swift and decisive, leaving him almost six thousand pounds in debt.